That Ain't No Way to Treat a Lady

I'm not one to throw another guy under a bus (well, maybe if I can benefit from it), but there are just some times in life when you witness such an extreme level of "douche-ness" that the jack-ass flat out deserves a shove. And no, I am not talking about John Mayer this time.

Case in point: I recently found myself next to a very attractive woman at an upscale bar in Manhattan (funny how I always manage to squeeze into that exact spot). Noticing that she was a bit agitated, I cautiously engaged her in conversation. Turns out that she had been waiting more than twenty minutes and was concerned that she was being stood up by "this guy my friend set me up with". No calls, no email, no word at all. Sensing an opportunity knocking, I did what any sensible stayathomebachelor© would do: I both acknowledged and validated her brewing anger, and perhaps stoked the fire a bit.

Ten more minutes go by and the woman next to me is approached by another woman who tells her she is her date's assistant and that he was stuck in a meeting but would be there shortly. Yes, over thirty minutes late and the assistant shows. The word that comes to mind is nuclear. Unless he was coming through that door with a diamond tennis bracelet from Cartier (unpaid mention) he was toast. Chances of that happening: zero. Chances of me now getting her number: pretty damn high.

So, you might be wondering what did this "dude" do wrong by "just being a little late". The answer: plenty. As public service announcement, I am going break down the play like an NFL announcer, only without the use of a telestrator.

1. Never make a woman wait on a first date (or ever if possible). When you do, you tell her you think you are more important than she is and you have immediately put yourself on the defensive. The first words out of your mouth when you come through the door are "I'm sorry" - not good. Apologizing shows weakness which clinical research studies have proven is not an attractive quality to most women.

2. CALL, TEXT, EMAIL. To not do so when running late is both rude and stupid. Now, I will grant that being late is sometimes unavoidable - like when someone is offering $500 million for your company. Beyond that, if it is after five and you are stuck in a meeting, there is nothing wrong with saying you need to make a quick call to postpone a prior engagement. Chances are other people in the room need to do the same. A call from an assistant in the first 10 minutes is acceptable. After that, it is all you. By nature, women are a forgiving kind, but don't push your luck.

3. NEVER send your assistant to apologize and make excuses - especially if your assistant is a female. Doing so tells a woman that you are slightly mysogynistic and will rely on said assistant to remember birthdays and other important dates in your relationship that hasn't even begun yet. Your assistant will be the one to actually pick out gifts, send flowers and cards while you stay self-absorbed in your own little world. Your assistant will be the one helping her push in the maternity room while you are on some golf course with your buddies. (Yes, in case you haven't noticed, women take what men think are isolated incidents and project them out over a lifetime.)

And please, no feedback about not wanting look anxious by being on time. Being punctual shows a woman you find her desirable enough to drop all other things for her...and that same clinical study shows that women like to feel desirable. When they feel that way, men actually have a better chance of advancing the romance. I actual suggest getting to the restaurant/bar early so that you can scope out the room, secure a good table and even have a drink waiting for your date when she arrives. It allows you to relax and shows her you are in command of the situation - not a bad look.

Lastly, it is a jungle out there...there are stayathomebachelors© in the grass who have nothing but time and good manners...and they know how to slither right on in...

###