Gentlemen, let's get something straight, technology is not an aphrodisiac. Don't get me wrong, I love technology and what it does for us...but there is one thing that it doesn't do much of: impress women. Yes, there are a few grrls out there who are as tech savvy as the next guy, but most really aren't impressed with your knowledge of the next generation of android.
Now, I know the world is ruled by the geeks at google and the nerds at twitter, but they can overcome their tech awkwardness with a stack of stock options. You, on the other hand, still have to impress a woman with your guile and charm. So, consider this a public service announcement from the stayathomebachelor©, when it comes to attracting a woman, avoid the following five technology pitfalls:
1. Being Mayor on Foursquare - sorry guys, playing electronic tag while running around at night does not provide real social status. As far as I'm concerned, the only way to become "mayor" of a joint is to sit at the end of the bar and drink everyone else under the table...night after night. Additionally, try explaining to your smoking hot date that the reason you are not taking her to Pulino Bar and Pizzeria is because you don't get the points/badges or whatever it is that you "virtually get" by frequenting other places.
2. Wireless, bluetooth earpieces - except when you are driving, they are downright unacceptable. No matter how much lipstick you put on this pig, you still look like an jackass walking around with one of these devices sticking out of the side of your head. Two female friends who meet for drinks after work are never going to be overheard saying, "back off bitch, I saw the guy with the earpiece first".
3. Any Mp3 that is not an iPod (unpaid mention). Sorry, the one you have might be better, might hold more music, might have some nifty feature that you love showing off - over and over again...but it's not cool. And never will be. Basically women will look at you as someone who buys "tier 2" brands and someone who buys tier 2 brands is sort of, well you fill in the bank.
4. Fantasy Sports Leagues (not really a technology, but definitely powered by it). Keep it to yourself...nothing says, "I don't date much" like explaining to woman at the bar the you got screwed because Jose Reyes has a thyroid problem.
5. Gaming. It is time to face the facts, at your age the only gaming you should be doing is in a casino where women in skimpy outfits serve free drinks. If you insist, hide the console. Nothing says you haven't grown up quite like her tripping over your Gameboy (unpaid mention).
Oh, and blogging, I might keep that to myself too...
stayathomebachlor©
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
The Art of the Duke
"I'm sorry sir, the kitchen is already closed" the maitre d said to the man standing in front of me at the reception desk. It was 11:20 on a Friday night and I had just arrived at one of NYC's more popular restaurants after an almost three hour Broadway performance. I could feel my date's fingers tighten around mine , transmitting her thoughts right through our touch: "are we really going to have to go someplace else at this hour". Surely, that wouldn't bode well for the rest of the evening.
As the bewildered man stepped aside I was greeted with a wide smile and "welcome back, so good to see you, we have one of our best table waiting for you." My date's grip loosened and with it some of her inhibitions. This was going to be a good night.
What led to this preferential treatment?? Well, as the time honored saying printed on cheap signs in many a saloon says, "tipping is not city in China". So let me introduce you to the "art of the duke", aka "the greasing of palms", "taking care of the man", or simply known as "giving someone a tip". And I am not talking about the 20% (you better be giving 20, not 15) that you add to your bill at the end of a meal. These TIPS are truly representative of the acronym for which they stand: To Insure Proper Service. As Ferris Buehler said, "see how a fiver can change a guy's attitude".
This is different than trying to bribe your way past the thick necked bouncer with an ear piece guarding the velvet rope at some club. If you must subject yourself to the indignity of the Marquis Clubs of the world, you are probably dating too young for your age...oh, hell what am I writing, more power to you, tell the man you want "bottle service" and you and your young friend(s) will have a prime table in no time. Champagne for everyone!!! Even the people you don't know.
The art of the duke is for when you want to elevate your game and begin to frequent some of the better establishments in town. I recommend scouting a few places and narrowing it down to those that you will feel comfortable entertaining a woman at and going to regularly. The important thing is to find places that have some staying power not the one's that open in spring, close by fall, and are staffed by a rotating gaggle actors and models who never work the same shift two days in a row. No, you want one run by restaurant professionals, who keep records of regulars and who you see every time you walk in. Once you have figured out who the "gatekeeper of the tables" is, find a reason to ask him to do you a small favor during one of your first visits. At the end of that meal, after you have paid the bill inclusive of tip, approach him as you are leaving with gesture of your gratitude discreetly folded in your palm of your hand and make a seamless transfer to his as you shake it goodnight. Nothing more than thank you should be said and, "oh by the way, can I get your card for future reservations". At that moment his eyes will lock on yours and your fate will be sealed. A table will always be yours, even if it means a couple from New Jersey will have to wait a little longer at the bar. An important note: your date and the other staff members should never witness any of this. Discretion is key.
Once you have established the connection and see that your status has been elevated, this subtle gesture of gratitude should be repeated at the beginning of your evening, preferable as said gatekeeper shows you to a prime spot in the dining room and your date is giving you the "how did we get such a great table look" which of course can only lead to too many double entendres on "insuring proper service". I'll leave that to your imagination.
As far as the amount of the "duke", use your best judgement based on the establishment and the fact that this is now standard operating procedure. When in doubt, go with the higher of the two you were thinking...it is a worthwhile investment against looking for another restaurant at 11:20 at night.
©thestayathomebachelor
As the bewildered man stepped aside I was greeted with a wide smile and "welcome back, so good to see you, we have one of our best table waiting for you." My date's grip loosened and with it some of her inhibitions. This was going to be a good night.
What led to this preferential treatment?? Well, as the time honored saying printed on cheap signs in many a saloon says, "tipping is not city in China". So let me introduce you to the "art of the duke", aka "the greasing of palms", "taking care of the man", or simply known as "giving someone a tip". And I am not talking about the 20% (you better be giving 20, not 15) that you add to your bill at the end of a meal. These TIPS are truly representative of the acronym for which they stand: To Insure Proper Service. As Ferris Buehler said, "see how a fiver can change a guy's attitude".
This is different than trying to bribe your way past the thick necked bouncer with an ear piece guarding the velvet rope at some club. If you must subject yourself to the indignity of the Marquis Clubs of the world, you are probably dating too young for your age...oh, hell what am I writing, more power to you, tell the man you want "bottle service" and you and your young friend(s) will have a prime table in no time. Champagne for everyone!!! Even the people you don't know.
The art of the duke is for when you want to elevate your game and begin to frequent some of the better establishments in town. I recommend scouting a few places and narrowing it down to those that you will feel comfortable entertaining a woman at and going to regularly. The important thing is to find places that have some staying power not the one's that open in spring, close by fall, and are staffed by a rotating gaggle actors and models who never work the same shift two days in a row. No, you want one run by restaurant professionals, who keep records of regulars and who you see every time you walk in. Once you have figured out who the "gatekeeper of the tables" is, find a reason to ask him to do you a small favor during one of your first visits. At the end of that meal, after you have paid the bill inclusive of tip, approach him as you are leaving with gesture of your gratitude discreetly folded in your palm of your hand and make a seamless transfer to his as you shake it goodnight. Nothing more than thank you should be said and, "oh by the way, can I get your card for future reservations". At that moment his eyes will lock on yours and your fate will be sealed. A table will always be yours, even if it means a couple from New Jersey will have to wait a little longer at the bar. An important note: your date and the other staff members should never witness any of this. Discretion is key.
Once you have established the connection and see that your status has been elevated, this subtle gesture of gratitude should be repeated at the beginning of your evening, preferable as said gatekeeper shows you to a prime spot in the dining room and your date is giving you the "how did we get such a great table look" which of course can only lead to too many double entendres on "insuring proper service". I'll leave that to your imagination.
As far as the amount of the "duke", use your best judgement based on the establishment and the fact that this is now standard operating procedure. When in doubt, go with the higher of the two you were thinking...it is a worthwhile investment against looking for another restaurant at 11:20 at night.
©thestayathomebachelor
Saturday, March 13, 2010
That Ain't No Way to Treat a Lady
I'm not one to throw another guy under a bus (well, maybe if I can benefit from it), but there are just some times in life when you witness such an extreme level of "douche-ness" that the jack-ass flat out deserves a shove. And no, I am not talking about John Mayer this time.
Case in point: I recently found myself next to a very attractive woman at an upscale bar in Manhattan (funny how I always manage to squeeze into that exact spot). Noticing that she was a bit agitated, I cautiously engaged her in conversation. Turns out that she had been waiting more than twenty minutes and was concerned that she was being stood up by "this guy my friend set me up with". No calls, no email, no word at all. Sensing an opportunity knocking, I did what any sensible stayathomebachelor© would do: I both acknowledged and validated her brewing anger, and perhaps stoked the fire a bit.
Ten more minutes go by and the woman next to me is approached by another woman who tells her she is her date's assistant and that he was stuck in a meeting but would be there shortly. Yes, over thirty minutes late and the assistant shows. The word that comes to mind is nuclear. Unless he was coming through that door with a diamond tennis bracelet from Cartier (unpaid mention) he was toast. Chances of that happening: zero. Chances of me now getting her number: pretty damn high.
So, you might be wondering what did this "dude" do wrong by "just being a little late". The answer: plenty. As public service announcement, I am going break down the play like an NFL announcer, only without the use of a telestrator.
1. Never make a woman wait on a first date (or ever if possible). When you do, you tell her you think you are more important than she is and you have immediately put yourself on the defensive. The first words out of your mouth when you come through the door are "I'm sorry" - not good. Apologizing shows weakness which clinical research studies have proven is not an attractive quality to most women.
2. CALL, TEXT, EMAIL. To not do so when running late is both rude and stupid. Now, I will grant that being late is sometimes unavoidable - like when someone is offering $500 million for your company. Beyond that, if it is after five and you are stuck in a meeting, there is nothing wrong with saying you need to make a quick call to postpone a prior engagement. Chances are other people in the room need to do the same. A call from an assistant in the first 10 minutes is acceptable. After that, it is all you. By nature, women are a forgiving kind, but don't push your luck.
3. NEVER send your assistant to apologize and make excuses - especially if your assistant is a female. Doing so tells a woman that you are slightly mysogynistic and will rely on said assistant to remember birthdays and other important dates in your relationship that hasn't even begun yet. Your assistant will be the one to actually pick out gifts, send flowers and cards while you stay self-absorbed in your own little world. Your assistant will be the one helping her push in the maternity room while you are on some golf course with your buddies. (Yes, in case you haven't noticed, women take what men think are isolated incidents and project them out over a lifetime.)
And please, no feedback about not wanting look anxious by being on time. Being punctual shows a woman you find her desirable enough to drop all other things for her...and that same clinical study shows that women like to feel desirable. When they feel that way, men actually have a better chance of advancing the romance. I actual suggest getting to the restaurant/bar early so that you can scope out the room, secure a good table and even have a drink waiting for your date when she arrives. It allows you to relax and shows her you are in command of the situation - not a bad look.
Lastly, it is a jungle out there...there are stayathomebachelors© in the grass who have nothing but time and good manners...and they know how to slither right on in...
###
Case in point: I recently found myself next to a very attractive woman at an upscale bar in Manhattan (funny how I always manage to squeeze into that exact spot). Noticing that she was a bit agitated, I cautiously engaged her in conversation. Turns out that she had been waiting more than twenty minutes and was concerned that she was being stood up by "this guy my friend set me up with". No calls, no email, no word at all. Sensing an opportunity knocking, I did what any sensible stayathomebachelor© would do: I both acknowledged and validated her brewing anger, and perhaps stoked the fire a bit.
Ten more minutes go by and the woman next to me is approached by another woman who tells her she is her date's assistant and that he was stuck in a meeting but would be there shortly. Yes, over thirty minutes late and the assistant shows. The word that comes to mind is nuclear. Unless he was coming through that door with a diamond tennis bracelet from Cartier (unpaid mention) he was toast. Chances of that happening: zero. Chances of me now getting her number: pretty damn high.
So, you might be wondering what did this "dude" do wrong by "just being a little late". The answer: plenty. As public service announcement, I am going break down the play like an NFL announcer, only without the use of a telestrator.
1. Never make a woman wait on a first date (or ever if possible). When you do, you tell her you think you are more important than she is and you have immediately put yourself on the defensive. The first words out of your mouth when you come through the door are "I'm sorry" - not good. Apologizing shows weakness which clinical research studies have proven is not an attractive quality to most women.
2. CALL, TEXT, EMAIL. To not do so when running late is both rude and stupid. Now, I will grant that being late is sometimes unavoidable - like when someone is offering $500 million for your company. Beyond that, if it is after five and you are stuck in a meeting, there is nothing wrong with saying you need to make a quick call to postpone a prior engagement. Chances are other people in the room need to do the same. A call from an assistant in the first 10 minutes is acceptable. After that, it is all you. By nature, women are a forgiving kind, but don't push your luck.
3. NEVER send your assistant to apologize and make excuses - especially if your assistant is a female. Doing so tells a woman that you are slightly mysogynistic and will rely on said assistant to remember birthdays and other important dates in your relationship that hasn't even begun yet. Your assistant will be the one to actually pick out gifts, send flowers and cards while you stay self-absorbed in your own little world. Your assistant will be the one helping her push in the maternity room while you are on some golf course with your buddies. (Yes, in case you haven't noticed, women take what men think are isolated incidents and project them out over a lifetime.)
And please, no feedback about not wanting look anxious by being on time. Being punctual shows a woman you find her desirable enough to drop all other things for her...and that same clinical study shows that women like to feel desirable. When they feel that way, men actually have a better chance of advancing the romance. I actual suggest getting to the restaurant/bar early so that you can scope out the room, secure a good table and even have a drink waiting for your date when she arrives. It allows you to relax and shows her you are in command of the situation - not a bad look.
Lastly, it is a jungle out there...there are stayathomebachelors© in the grass who have nothing but time and good manners...and they know how to slither right on in...
###
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Rant
I don't mean to rag on another media/blog/website/e-newsletter, but sometimes disappointment in something you really love builds into an infuriating rage that eventually splatters across the room like blood in a Tarantino movie. You know, like when your girlfriend (probably ex-girlfriend now) launches into a verbal assault over the fact that you left a light on. It's never about the light, it's about the hundred other things you have done, or not done, to irk her that she has kept tamped down deep in her sub-conscious, festering in bile, until a female armageddon is raining down upon you.
For me, that current disappointing relationship has been with UrbanDaddy. For the last few years it has sent smart, daily dispatches to hipsters, quasi-hipsters, want-to-be hipsters and a wide assortment of B&T characters who could populate the next "Shore" thing on MTV. It appears to have aimed its sights at an audience who has outgrown Brother Jimmy's and is ready to step up its game. I had come to really enjoy and trust its advice. It has been spot-on with restaurant and lounge openings, shopping and other social currency. Its mobile app is perhaps one of the best I have seen. If you don't have it, I highly recommend it.
It's just lately, the daily information has not always lived up to the early days of the affair and things are going from bad to worse. A few weeks ago it was a posting about a girl who will wear you company's T-shirt on her website. By the way, that would be a girl you never heard of, on a web site you never heard of, and oh, it's a dumb idea anyway. Today, cuff links that are also bottle openers. Wow, haven't seen that since Sharper Image went out of business. There are more examples like this, but unlike my last girlfriend, I see no need to pile on.
As with most one-sided rants that you have been on the short end of, the intention is not to hurt, but rather to help; to point out where we may have gone off track in the hopes that we can right the ship before we sink it. So in the spirit of all those "probably right" girlfriends, I am offering this rant to UrbanDaddy. Get back to your former self, put me in the know, give me an underground speakeasy or artisanal gin distilled by blind monks in Katmandu - information we could use to actually impress a woman, not come across as a walking tool. Stayathomebachelors© are counting on you.
For me, that current disappointing relationship has been with UrbanDaddy. For the last few years it has sent smart, daily dispatches to hipsters, quasi-hipsters, want-to-be hipsters and a wide assortment of B&T characters who could populate the next "Shore" thing on MTV. It appears to have aimed its sights at an audience who has outgrown Brother Jimmy's and is ready to step up its game. I had come to really enjoy and trust its advice. It has been spot-on with restaurant and lounge openings, shopping and other social currency. Its mobile app is perhaps one of the best I have seen. If you don't have it, I highly recommend it.
It's just lately, the daily information has not always lived up to the early days of the affair and things are going from bad to worse. A few weeks ago it was a posting about a girl who will wear you company's T-shirt on her website. By the way, that would be a girl you never heard of, on a web site you never heard of, and oh, it's a dumb idea anyway. Today, cuff links that are also bottle openers. Wow, haven't seen that since Sharper Image went out of business. There are more examples like this, but unlike my last girlfriend, I see no need to pile on.
As with most one-sided rants that you have been on the short end of, the intention is not to hurt, but rather to help; to point out where we may have gone off track in the hopes that we can right the ship before we sink it. So in the spirit of all those "probably right" girlfriends, I am offering this rant to UrbanDaddy. Get back to your former self, put me in the know, give me an underground speakeasy or artisanal gin distilled by blind monks in Katmandu - information we could use to actually impress a woman, not come across as a walking tool. Stayathomebachelors© are counting on you.
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